Silent Lucidity
by YourOnlyBelle
Summary: Oneshot. Tag to episode Heart. Dean's feelings after Sam has killed Madison.


-1_Silent Lucidity_

_Pairings: None really. Well, a brief mention of Sam/Madison_

_Characters: The brothers Winchester. Brief mentions of Papa Winchester and Madison. And the YED._

_Disclaimer: I don't own Sam or Dean Winchester. Or any other characters mentioned here. Eric Kripke is the genius who came up with the brilliance that is Supernatural and I could never imagine pretending otherwise. Not making money._

_Summary: ONESHOT. Tag for the episode Heart. Dean's feelings after Sam kills Madison._

_Author's Note: So, uh. This is my first non Wee!Chester fic. And yes, I'm scared shitless. Because it's one thing to write the brothers as kids, it's a complete other to take Eric Kripke's work and actually mess with it. Reviews would be nice so I can know if I'm doing this whole Winchester adult fics right._

The gunshot rang in his ears long after they walked out of Madison's apartment. Long after he had pried his brother off of her body. Long after he had picked the gun up from the floor, supporting his brother's shaking body as they went down to the Impala. Dean hadn't been sure what to say as Sam had stabilized himself, stopped crying. Stopped shaking. This wasn't their thing. They didn't talk. Even after Jess had died, they had rarely said a word about what had happened. And this time wouldn't be any different.

He couldn't get the gunshot out of his head. He had been hearing gunshots for nearly his entire life, he had fired his first gun at the age of seven. But the gunshot. This gunshot. It rang in his ears as they drove back to the hotel in silence. Sammy staring sullenly out the window into the foggy San Francisco day. He opened his mouth to make a wisecrack but changed his mind when he realized he couldn't say anything. Not now.

He parked the Impala and turned off the engine, turning to look at Sam. His shirt was covered in blood and for a minute, Dean's brain flashed back to finding Sam in the hotel room when he had been missing for a week. He grimaced and put his hand on his brother's arm. "Come on, Sammy," he coaxed. "Shower and then we'll order some pizza and I'll grab some beers."

Sam turned and stared at him, his blue eyes filled with pain and anger. It was the first time Dean had gotten a good look at his brother since before the gunshot. The gunshot that seemed to play over and over again in his ears. _Come on, Sammy_ he pleaded silently. _Say something._ But Sam didn't say a word as he unfolded his long body from the car and went to the door of the hotel room, waiting as Dean unlocked it and then went straight to the bathroom, not saying a word. Dean sighed and took off his jacket and then his shirt, standing in front of the mirror and staring at the raised scar on his shoulder. From when Sam, or the demon, had shot him.

Ever since those few days, he had made a promise not to think about it. Not to think about the yellow eyed son of a bitch getting a hold of his little brother. Not to think about having to kill his brother. Because he wouldn't do it. Dad had been an asshole to even ask him to do it. He wasn't going to kill his brother. He wasn't going to put a gun to Sam's heart and pull the trigger. He couldn't do it. There was no way in hell Dean Winchester would ever hurt Sam. Ever.

He walked over to the bed and took the gun out of his pocket, feeling the weight of it in his hands, the gunshot suddenly louder in his head. _"I'm asking you to save me."_ Her words were almost louder than that damn gunshot. The almost exact words Sam had used on him. The demon. Sam. Sam had wanted him to shoot him. Sam had made him make that fucking promise. And then the demon or Sam had pressed the gun into his hands, begging to be killed. _"I don't want to hurt you."_ He stared at the gun, bile rising in his throat, turning it over. He had told Sam he would rather die than kill him and it was true, but watching his brother today, watching his baby brother, the kid who had always hated guns and hunting, watching that kid take the gun from him and walk away to shoot the first girl he had cared about since Jess…Dean shook his head. No.

He set the gun down slowly on the table and backed away from it. Sammy was not like Madison. She had been a killer, a killer and a werewolf. Sam could fight this. Sam would fight this. This was not Sam. Not his brother. The demon had taken everything that mattered to him, the fucking thing wouldn't take his brother too.

He turned swiftly and punched the wall angrily, anger tears coming to his eyes. This was bullshit. He had been hunting for years. And this what it came down to? Having to choose between killing his brother or letting him become evil? He had spent years making sure Sam was safe, years making sure the damn kid never got hurt. And it hadn't been easy, Sammy had been the type of kid who seemed to attract evil. And this is what he got? He got to be the last family member standing. He got to be the one to put a gun to his brother's heart and pull a fucking trigger and end it all. He couldn't do it. He wouldn't do it.

He palmed the tears quickly from his eyes as he heard the bathroom door open behind him and Sam came out in jeans and a t-shirt, his eyes still completely dead, but at least the tears were gone. "'Bout time, Sammy," Dean tried to joke, hoping his brother wouldn't notice his bloodied hand.

Sam shrugged and fell back onto his bed and he stared at the gun on the table, a frown on his face. "Dean," he finally spoke.

"I got it, Sammy," Dean nodded as he took the gun off the table, hiding it in their duffle bag.

"Dean," the taller man said again, more urgently. Dean looked up from the duffle bag with his eyebrows raised. "I'm sorry."

"Sam," Dean sighed.

"No, Dean," Sam shook his head. "I'm sorry I made you promise. But Dad…Dean, it has to be you. It has to be."

"We're not talking about this again," Dean threatened, the anger welling up in him again.

"Dean, you kill evil. We kill evil."

"You're not evil, Sammy," Dean growled. "Not yet. And I'm not letting you. Madison was a werewolf, she didn't have a choice. We're going to fight this. And you're not turning evil unless I'm dead. Got it?"

"Dean."

"Fight this, Sammy," Dean pleaded. "Fight it. You're not Madison. You have a choice."

"I killed her, Dean."

"You didn't have a choice," Dean said by way of an explanation. "You couldn't have done anything to help her. Putting her out of her misery, making sure she didn't kill anyone else. You did what you had to do, Sam. And you know what, Sam, you didn't do it heartlessly. Cold blooded evil sons of bitches kill without a second thought. You didn't do that. You're still you, Sammy."

Sam didn't say anything as he put his arms behind his head, a tear trickling down his cheek. Dean stood watching him, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly as his brother cried again. "I killed her, Dean," Sam sobbed.

Dean sat on his own bed, nodding as the gunshot sounded again in his head, causing him to wince again. He looked up at Sam and said carefully, "This is why I can't kill you, Sammy."

"What?" Sam turned and stared at him.

"If I killed you," Dean sighed, "I wouldn't be able to live with myself. We'll figure something out."

"What if we can't?"

The older hunter shook his head, falling back onto his own pillows. "Not an option."

"Dean."

"Sam," Dean growled and then sighed. "What are we watching on TV? And none of that lifetime shit or I will kick your ass."

Sam forced a smile as he reached for the remote, turning on the TV and settling back into silence as he flipped the channels. Dean nodded and turned over onto his stomach, feeling the knife under his pillow, rubbing it for comfort. He turned his head softly to stare at his little brother, to take in the tears that were still falling from his eyes and he took a deep breath, closing his eyes as the gunshot rang loudly in his ears. As Madison's begging, as Sam's begging became an almighty roar in his ears. _It needs to be you._ "Sorry, Sammy," he murmured into his pillow. "I can't."

_I- will be watching over you  
I- am gonna help to see it through  
I- will protect you in the night  
I- am smiling next to you..._

**2nd Author's Note: I think I might actually like this, haha. Not sure. Anyway, I've watched Heart now four (coughfivecough) times and I bawl like a baby every time when Dean cringes. Because I just imagine he's thinking about the gunshot that he'll be hearing as he pulls the trigger on his own brother one day. And well, Dean's dying on the inside. He just is. This whole "kill your own brother" thing is killing him. So I attempted a one shot about that. Also, the lyrics at the end, that's from the song playing at the end of the episode "Silent Lucidity" by Queensryche, which I think is the song that perfectly describes our favorite boys. Anyway, tell me what you think…honestly. Because I love reviews…but if this was terrible, I can go back to WeeChester fics. So yeah…read. Review. Please?**


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